Amanda Airway

Everyone creates their own happiness.

And I could not be happier right now. :)

Amie Vo

Jayleen Luu

Brian Vo

Ryan Ilagan

Patrick Yandoc

Betsy Vo

Tuyen Vo

Amanda Pham

Felicia Chanco

You nine have had to deal with my bipolarity, whining, indecisiveness, immaturity and ultimate miserable demeanor, and I apologize. I appreciate every single one of your guys’ presences in my life, more than you can ever imagine.

I almost made an impulse decision earlier; I was asked about what I am planning on doing from this point forth. I went with the safe statement of “I’m not resigning yet,” and I have a feeling of both relief and disappointment.

I honestly don’t know what I want to do. I am so lost. My happiness is directly dependent on other people’s happiness and pride in me, and I feel like if I am not fulfilling other people’s happiness, I can’t find my own.

I think that’s why I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do anymore, because no matter what I do, someone is unhappy, or someone is disappointed in me. And I couldn’t live with that, especially if it’s someone I’m close with.

My standards have been set too high by my family, my peers, and myself. And settling for something less has made me miserable.

So This is the New Year.

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually written a blog post—lately it’s been Instagram photos and reblogs. What happened to my constant blogging demeanor? Have I lost the will and interest to create original posts?

Not in the slightest.

The past four months were a never-ending stream of work and stress. It was my last semester of my undergraduate career, comprised of two senior capstone classes (PR Campaigns and Entertainment Marketing), two “just-for-fun” classes that required more work than I had anticipated, and working part-time at The Disneyland Resort. Somehow, I managed to finish all of my projects and finish the semester with a 4.0, making my final cumulative GPA in college a 3.75.

This was all on top of job-hunting and apartment searching.

I’m literally being thrown into the real world now. I was offered many interviews for my post-graduate career, and ultimately was offered two positions. I accepted a position with Global Results Communications, and will be starting as an Account Coordinator on January 3.

Everything just happened so fast. What happened to freshman year, when I was living in the dorms with my roommates Becky and Yasmin, and spending nearly every waking moment with my three best friends Lance, Sarah and Stefan? I’ve been going full-speed with no intention to stop, and I am starting a full-time, salaried job not even one month after graduating. But maybe I rushed into this too fast. I don’t even get a chance to breathe.

I was home in Seattle for the past week, and while coming home is always difficult because I know I have to leave to return to California, this time it was especially hard. Seeing all of my friends and family, and telling them about my new job and ultimately not knowing exactly when I will be able to come home next…it’s quite the reality check for me.

California is great, and I am so glad I have been able to call it my temporary home for the past three and a half years. But my permanent home is and always will be Seattle: my city’s filthy, and I could never abandon it. Who knows how long I will be in California? One more year, two years, six, ten? Regardless, I will always come home to the place I was born and raised to live the rest of my life.

Life is just beginning for me. Welcome to the real world.

Listening to The Shins and doing some homework.

Today’s been an interesting one. Needless to say, I’m excited to see what will happen in the next few.

Balance

Something I have never quite been able to grasp is how to not be a pushover, but at the same time, not be a passive aggressive needy girl.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve let people walk all over me. The fact that I not only know this, but openly accept it, is sort of pathetic, but I digress. Anyway, in recent years, I’ve become more assertive and less of a pushover, but in doing so, I’ve noticed I started becoming whiny and clingy and overall, a typical girl.

So annoying.

So I started pulling back on that attitude and ended up sort of shifting over to the pushover mentality again.

Here’s an example. Lets say I want to hang out with a friend of mine. We haven’t seen each other in a while, and I really want to see him, but he’s being lazy and doesn’t want to make the effort to see me. My heart is annoyed and am wondering if it’s even worth it, but my brain just thinks, “calm the eff down, it’s not the end of the world. You’ll see him another day. One day isn’t going to make a difference.”

I’ve been listening to my brain for the past few months now. My anti-romantic, cynical mindset tells me this is the right, mature thing to do. But is there a certain point where it’s not just cynicism anymore, but it’s downright carelessness? Is my lack of initiation with my relationships being viewed at as me just not even caring about these relationships anymore?

I don’t want to be a bitch, but I don’t want to be apathetic. I can’t seem to find that balance.

AGDs at my school have shirts that say “HAΓ∆ER BETTER FASTER STRONGER.” I can only assume they are referring to Kanye’s “Stronger,” not the ORIGINAL song by Daft Punk. And all I can do is shake my head and bite my tongue.

My passive aggressive posts are way over, but when it comes to music, I can’t help but let it out!

Anyway. I had such a lovely night with a lovely friend at Trader Sam’s! We talked a lot and had a lot we connected on. :) Now it’s time for bed; I have my fourth 8-hour shift in a row tomorrow!

Damn. I just realized. By the end of tomorrow, I will have worked 32 hours in four days. But hey, more hours=more $$$!